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All couples disagree about something. As long as two individuals live together there will be always be different ideas and opinions: family, money, chores. It becomes serious when they don’t know how to resolve their disagreements with dignity and respect. It's only worse when children grow up seeing this constant conflict and having to live with the negativity and inappropriate ways of dealing with marital discord. Both children and adults need a safe haven to feel safe and secure. When we create an atmosphere of tension and strife in our homes, we slowly chip away not only at our marriages, but at the sense of emotional security that our children need to flourish in life.
Partnerships, from dating to marriage to domestic partnerships, should be a source of happiness. We are living with our best friend, the person who shares all our joys, all our hurts; the person whose love we carry within our hearts forever. If you lack the right tools to communicate properly, disagreements and conflicts can make life together miserable.
One thing to do, especially if there are children in your household, is to keep your discussions private. When you fight in public, you lose a sense of dignity and often feel ashamed. You blame your partner and now you grow even angrier. Children never need to hear the details of your arguments and they should become forced to take sides or align themselves with one parent over the other. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.
Even in war, there are rules of engagement. Partners should sit down before the conflicts occur and establish rules of conduct for when they disagree. This way we ensure that we deal with our differences in a respectful manner. We certainly cannot expect more from our children’s behavior than we do from ourselves. No matter how opinionated you are or how correct you feel you in your views, you do not have the right to put down your spouse. Children cannot grow up thinking that it is okay to belittle, yell, scream, intimidate, mock, threaten, put down, or be hostile to one another just because you have a difference of opinion. There's also a time limit. Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don't allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.
Of course it goes without saying that any physical violence is out of the question.
There are times that we allow emotions to simmer until they boil over. There comes a huge blow-up and we have no idea why this fight became so hostile. The problem is that we are angry about other things and all the emotion comes out now. You both think that you are fighting about one thing but deep inside you are upset about something else. What the other person doesn't know is that you are brewing. You never resolved the issue and just held onto the bad feelings.
A primary requirement for any fight is to maintain control. Don’t allow emotions to go unchecked. You do not have the license to be childish, abusive or immature. If you are upset, communicate with your spouse in a respectful way. Otherwise, you will find yourself exploding and overreacting. This type of fighting quickly becomes all-consuming as pent up anger threatens to overtake the conversation.
Many fights are just accusations, complaints or criticisms flung against each other. We’ve got to stop playing the blame game. No one is immune. Arguing about whose fault it is accomplishes zero. Instead of going back and forth, decide to seek solutions together. The way to do this is after we communicate our emotions, instead of just leaving the discussion with bad feeling, practice good communication skills. If you have a sarcastic edge, bite your tongue.
Remain task-oriented. Take a moment and reflect back what you believe your spouse is trying to tell you. Try to consider your partner’s perspective; you cannot always be right. Resolve that you both attempt to bring a solution to the table and discuss the ways you can make this work. Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it. Once you do find resolution – be it an apology and forgiveness, a fresh approach in dealing with work and money issues, a more effective discipline plan.
Do not go backwards and bring up old complaints, grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all. Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated. Solutions bring us forward. Do not rehash old arguments. Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling.
Partnerships, from dating to marriage to domestic partnerships, should be a source of happiness. We are living with our best friend, the person who shares all our joys, all our hurts; the person whose love we carry within our hearts forever. If you lack the right tools to communicate properly, disagreements and conflicts can make life together miserable.
One thing to do, especially if there are children in your household, is to keep your discussions private. When you fight in public, you lose a sense of dignity and often feel ashamed. You blame your partner and now you grow even angrier. Children never need to hear the details of your arguments and they should become forced to take sides or align themselves with one parent over the other. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.
Even in war, there are rules of engagement. Partners should sit down before the conflicts occur and establish rules of conduct for when they disagree. This way we ensure that we deal with our differences in a respectful manner. We certainly cannot expect more from our children’s behavior than we do from ourselves. No matter how opinionated you are or how correct you feel you in your views, you do not have the right to put down your spouse. Children cannot grow up thinking that it is okay to belittle, yell, scream, intimidate, mock, threaten, put down, or be hostile to one another just because you have a difference of opinion. There's also a time limit. Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don't allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.
Of course it goes without saying that any physical violence is out of the question.
There are times that we allow emotions to simmer until they boil over. There comes a huge blow-up and we have no idea why this fight became so hostile. The problem is that we are angry about other things and all the emotion comes out now. You both think that you are fighting about one thing but deep inside you are upset about something else. What the other person doesn't know is that you are brewing. You never resolved the issue and just held onto the bad feelings.
A primary requirement for any fight is to maintain control. Don’t allow emotions to go unchecked. You do not have the license to be childish, abusive or immature. If you are upset, communicate with your spouse in a respectful way. Otherwise, you will find yourself exploding and overreacting. This type of fighting quickly becomes all-consuming as pent up anger threatens to overtake the conversation.
Many fights are just accusations, complaints or criticisms flung against each other. We’ve got to stop playing the blame game. No one is immune. Arguing about whose fault it is accomplishes zero. Instead of going back and forth, decide to seek solutions together. The way to do this is after we communicate our emotions, instead of just leaving the discussion with bad feeling, practice good communication skills. If you have a sarcastic edge, bite your tongue.
Remain task-oriented. Take a moment and reflect back what you believe your spouse is trying to tell you. Try to consider your partner’s perspective; you cannot always be right. Resolve that you both attempt to bring a solution to the table and discuss the ways you can make this work. Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it. Once you do find resolution – be it an apology and forgiveness, a fresh approach in dealing with work and money issues, a more effective discipline plan.
Do not go backwards and bring up old complaints, grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all. Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated. Solutions bring us forward. Do not rehash old arguments. Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling.
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Hostile fighting depletes us and destroys the most precious relationship that we have. We can resolve our disagreements respectfully and create an atmosphere of peace despite our differences. You'll never win if you go into it with a spirit of getting even, vengeance, control. Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be. If you make your relationship a competition, that means your spouse has to lose in order for you to win. It's not a competition, it's a partnership.
Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity. How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.
In an effort to nurture trust and infuse the partnership with love, it will take introspection, forgiveness and a lot of time and effort. Write down what you need from your partner, what you would like to see more of (or less of) from your partner. This helps eliminate many of the misunderstandings that couples face.
Remember, each partner carries emotional issues from the past into the current relationship. Be sure to examine what you are bringing into the dynamic as well as looking at what your partner is doing.
Many people have unconsciously built emotional walls that prevent them from truly becoming close with their friends and family. As you attempt to connect with your partner, be sure to ask yourself if you have blocked yourself off emotionally from the one you hope to be intimate with once again. And remember that you have to knock down your emotional wall -nobody can do it for you. Many people hide behind social masks and emotional walls. Take the time to get to know yourself; it is a process that will ultimately lead to others knowing you as well.
When speaking to your partner, especially in a time of crisis, be sure that you are speaking from the heart and not simply saying the words that you think he or she wants to hear.
Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity. How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.
In an effort to nurture trust and infuse the partnership with love, it will take introspection, forgiveness and a lot of time and effort. Write down what you need from your partner, what you would like to see more of (or less of) from your partner. This helps eliminate many of the misunderstandings that couples face.
Remember, each partner carries emotional issues from the past into the current relationship. Be sure to examine what you are bringing into the dynamic as well as looking at what your partner is doing.
Many people have unconsciously built emotional walls that prevent them from truly becoming close with their friends and family. As you attempt to connect with your partner, be sure to ask yourself if you have blocked yourself off emotionally from the one you hope to be intimate with once again. And remember that you have to knock down your emotional wall -nobody can do it for you. Many people hide behind social masks and emotional walls. Take the time to get to know yourself; it is a process that will ultimately lead to others knowing you as well.
When speaking to your partner, especially in a time of crisis, be sure that you are speaking from the heart and not simply saying the words that you think he or she wants to hear.
First off, it is funny that as I was reading the blog I was jotting down notes so I could remember what I wanted to comment on and usually when I continued reading the blog Norm had included the things I wanted to say. One needs to understand and be able to define a feeling verses an emotion. It is not all black and white.
According to the free online dictionary a feeling "refers to pleasurable or painful sensations experienced when one is stirred to sympathy, anger, fear, love, grief, etc. feeling is a general term for a subjective point of view as well as for specific sensations: to be guided by feeling rather than by facts; a feeling of pride, of dismay. Emotion is applied to an intensified feeling: agitated by emotion. Passion is strong or violent emotion, often so overpowering that it masters the mind or judgment: stirred to a passion of anger. Sentiment is a mixture of thought and feeling, esp. refined or tender feeling: Recollections are often colored by sentiment.” While emotions are described as, "
Emotions control your thinking, behavior, and actions. Emotions affect your physical bodies as much as your body affects your feelings and thinking."
My deepest fears revolve around feelings of of inadequacy, rejection, abandonment, disapproval. Thus, I try to protect myself from relationships where I will feel rejection. It is natural to feel emotions that can cause distress. We learn these coping mechanisms early in life However, when you bury these emotions you miss out on an opportunity to be present for these emotional experiences that can help you grow as an individual and as a couple. When you bury your feeling rather than allow the feelings to guide you then at some point, those emotions are doomed to come out. In contrast, by avoiding, numbing, or masking your feelings, you deny yourself your power to validate your experience, these buried emotions can lay buried for days or weeks or months. These buried emotions not only affect our view of yourself, or how others view us but how we also view the world.
The balance is in finding a healthy way to express your feelings, to have your hurts heard, and to forgive and ask as forgiveness in a humble way. I read an article not too long ago about the 3-minute argument. The point is that you need to present your argument within 3 minutes and then move on. The underlying belief is that after 3 minutes you are either just repeating yourself or digging in the barbs. After 3 minutes, you lose focus on your original thoughts and you start causing hurt for the one you love. At this point, you are just experiencing emotional carryover of baggage from a previous point in time.
It truly is never about winning in an argument. When you think about it, if I won the argument you lost it. I love you with all of my heart. Why do I want to make you feel sadness or sorrow? How can I justify this and criticize others who point a finger at you in any way.
There are many ways to keep your relationship fresh.
Never stop dating or courting. You love each other above all else. You stood before God and committed to love, honor, and cherish the other. Your partner is your most sacred treasure. Like anything in life, you need to put forth an effort to reap the benefits.
Protect your heart as you protect the heart of your loved one. Treat yourself to the same respect and grace that you expect others. Thus, you will deal with situations with integrity and honor.
Allow yourself to fall in love over again.
Create intimate situations for you and your partner. Spend time together exploring a new hobby or doing mundane chores together. Treat each other with a kind heart.
Do not look for or point out the faults in others. Remember that we all have faults. Focus your time and energy on the positive attributes your partner has. So often a person is either not aware of their faults or they cannot control what others can either choose to see as a fault or not even focus on.
Always have your partners back. If there is nothing else in the world your love can count on, they should be able to count on your complete support. This is in regards to every single aspect of your life. If someone strikes my partner, I will protect him, if he has no money I will provide for him. If someone calls him names I will put a stop to it, if he falls I will pick him up again.
Make a commitment to take responsibility for your actions. For one you need to own up to your part of any disagreement and secondly you need to stand back and let your partner take accountability for their actions.
Do not blame your partner when you are upset or angry. Remember that your feelings are not about them but about you. Look first within and then reach out.
When you need to make a life changing decision, or any large decision, discuss it first and develop a strategy and then stick to it. Avoid resentment by coming to a mutual decision and following through.
Allow your partner to be who he or she is. Often these little quirks first attracted you to the other person. You should not try to change your partner and you cannot truly love someone if you really do not like any of their traits.
Be silly together. Laugh together. Have fun together. Like the saying goes, a family that plays together stays together. Be sure to laugh at your own mishaps as well as your partners mishaps.
Learn to say I love you with actions that speak to your love as well as the words do. Remember a picture is worth a thousand words. Learn to interpret the actions of your partner. Understand that caress means I love you or that shared inside joke is an I love you.
Be willing to explore your partner’s sexuality. If you are not carried away in the moment there may be something missing. A relationship is not all about sex. However, if you do not feel sexually comfortable with your partner or become sexually turned on, there may be something lacking.
Do not be an idiot. There are so many areas to tread lightly here. Most importantly thou, it simply means do not get so carried away with the feeling or the emotion or the word that you end up saying something you will regret later. Live, learn, and carry on.
Give each other space. Two people cannot be together 24 hours a day. It is normal to have many of the same friends, same interests, and same activities. However, you cannot smother each other. If every experience is physically shared with the other you will have nothing to reflect on together. Everyone needs space to rejuvenate and unwind. This is the time you need to find inner balance and peace.
Be trusting and trust worthy. It takes courage to let it all out a true love will accept all the dark edges as well as the bubbly happiness. If you feel that you need to wear a mask or a disguise to hide the true you then sadly, you will never have a truly meaningful healthy relationship.
Never stop growing as an individual and never stop growing as a couple. Take the time to develop a new hoppy or take a cooking class together.
Forgive, forget, and move on. If something happens in the relationship (as sometimes it does) that makes you question the relationship you either need to make a commitment to work through it or get out! If you keep bringing the issue up you have not worked through the hurt and pain and you cannot move on.
Money makes the world go round. We need money for basic survival. Money can also tear a relationship apart. It is a stress trigger and a fear factor. Be completely honest about your finances and be sure to make financial decisions together.
Most of all is to be kind to yourself. Remember if you cannot love yourself then you cannot expect anyone else to love you. If you do not respect yourself, you cannot expect others to respect you. If you cannot develop and maintain boundaries, do not expect others to.
Love always...the other half, XOXOXO